Snake-bitten: Diamondbacks Sink Fangs into Cubs in 13-5 Rout

Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

The Cubs were on the losing end of a 13-5 rout yesterday, and incredibly, it wasn't even that close. The Cubs went ahead 1-0 in the third on a RBI by Ryan Theriot, who's been one of the team's few offensive bright spots lately. The D'Backs went on to score the next 13 runs, highlighted by Adam LaRoche's two homers and five RBIs. Kosuke Fukudome added a grand slam in the eighth, but it was as meaningless as a chastity vow on prom night.

Chicago Sun-Times: Cubs rare mound failure
Daily Herald: Kennedy, LaRoche lead Diamondbacks past Cubs 13-5
MLB: Lilly struggles as Cubs drop opener

Looking Back Fondly on Lee Elia's Epic Meltdown
Twenty-seven years ago yesterday, Cubs manager Lee Elia went on a tirade that will forever warm the hearts of Cubs fans. The North Siders had just lost to the Dodgers, and the fans had booed the team mercilessly. After the game, Elia started ranting about Cubs fans and didn't stop until the last "mother--cker" had been unleashed from his foaming mouth. You can listen to the rant here, but don't click if your ears are of the sensitive variety.

Chicago Breaking Sports: Happy Lee Elia day, nickel-dime people

Starlin Gazing, Pt. II: Castro's Promotion to Majors Close, But No Cigar Yet
Recently, ESPN Chicago said minor-league phenom Starlin Castro's move to the majors was "right around the corner." Yesterday, though, GM Jim Hendry pooh-poohed (we love that as a verb) the idea, saying the time isn't right. "There's no doubt he's going to be an all-star player down the road.... He'll be here sometime this year, but it won't be anytime in the next couple of days," Hendry said. That's good, because it gives us more time to come up with more Castro gags.

ESPN Chicago: Castro could be joining Cubs at any point
Chicago Sun-Times: Hendry: Don't expect Starlin Castro anytime soon [video]

Offense? Pitching? 'Both Suck,' Says the Heckler
We try to be nice about the Cubs. We know they're flawed, and we know they have some issues — OK, maybe a lot of issues — but in the end, we're fans. The Heckler, however, doesn't feel the need to be so forgiving. And so we're grateful for stories with sub-heads like this: "Meaningless Fukudome grand slam makes defeat seem a little less terrible." Well done.

The Heckler: Cubs offense, pitching finally on the same page as both suck...

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part: The Life of a Wrigley Field Ballhawk
We have to say, we've never understood the ballhawks, those guys who hang out all day on Waveland Avenue hoping to catch a home run ball. To each his own, but wouldn't you rather watch the actual game rather than stand on a sidewalk for hours on the off-chance that you might snag a Marlon Byrd batting practice homer? That said, this video about the ballhawks has a certain appeal. We won't give away the ending, but the finale is pretty charming.

YouTube: Wrigley Field Ballhawk Opening Week 2010 Chicago Cubs

Today's Report by Joel Reese

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