The Abyss
Previously Pathetic Pirates Sweep Cubs into Dustpan of Awfulness

Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images

So where do we begin with last night’s 11-1 shellacking at the hands of the Pittsburgh Pirates? We could start with the Cubs’ three errors (two by Aramis Ramirez, who also went 0-4 and sports a woeful .148 batting average). Or that the Cubs scored five runs in three games against a team with absolutely abysmal pitching. So we’ll just point out that previously undefeated starter Randy Wells gave up six earned runs in two innings. Also, no one hit worth a damn. And here’s the worst part: The Cubs are now 13-16, while the former laughingstock Pirates are 13-15. Ugh.

ESPN Chicago: Pirates rout Cubs to complete 3-game sweep [+ video]
Chicago Tribune: Cubs suffer embarrassing 11-1 loss to complete sweep
Chicago Sun-Times: No laughing matter for Cub
MLB: Cubs can't overcome Wells' shaky start [+ video]

Bungle Jim
The Case for Axing GM Hendry
It's not easy to make a case for GM Jim Hendry these days, especially given the fact that his sub-.500 team — which has the highest payroll in the National League at $147 million — just got swept by the friggin' Pirates. Hire Jim Essian points out that six Cubs (Lee, Ramirez, Zambrano, Soriano, Dempster and Samardzija) have no-trade clauses, which makes up 13 percent of the untradeable players in MLB. And ESPN's Jayson Stark anoints Soriano the most untradeable player in the majors. "I don't know any team that would even touch him," an AL executive told Stark.

Hire Jim Essian: Need more bullets to load into your 'Fire Jim Hendry' gun?
ESPN: Five players who aren't going anywhere

Fire Down Below
Did Cub Suffer Most Embarrassing Baseball Injury Ever?
Remember when you were in eighth grade and you thought the gentlemanly art of lighting your own farts on fire was hilarious? (And yes, they are flammable, apparently.) Well, the rumors are out there that Jeff Baker didn't play in a few games at the end of April because he was engaged in this brilliant activity and burned himself. Deadspin looked into and said it probably wasn't true, it was more likely because of the lefty/righty matchup. Please, please let that be the case.

Hire Jim Essian: We don't need no water, let the second baseman burn
Deadspin: So, about that Cubs-lighting-their-farts story

Times of the Sign
Commission Says 'Yea' to Toyota Sign, Alderman Says 'Nay'
Tom Ricketts brought out the big guns to get that Toyota sign erected. Not only did he lobby Cubs fans to show up at a Landmarks Commission meeting yesterday (they did), but he also had Ernie Banks in-tow. The group OK'd the sign 8-1, but it's still not a done deal: Ald Tom Tunney said he opposes the sign, and without his approval the sign might not get the crucial thumbs-up from the City Council Building Committee. Ricketts must be a little bummed — it's not like Fenway Park, another older ballpark, is advertising-free.

Chicago Tribune: Landmarks Commission OKs Toyota sign at Wrigley Field
Business Week: Cubs, Toyota see Wrigley sign as remedy for competitive woes

Rich Man, Pour Man
Need a Beer Pronto? Find This Beer Vendor.
Sometimes when you're at Wrigley Field, there might be the off-chance that you would enjoy partaking of a frothy lager to quench your thirst. Such as, say, when the Cubs are losing to the Pittsburgh Pirates. If that's the case, you might want to find "Snapdragon," who's clearly the world's fastest beer pourer. The way he pours these two beers — which, we note with no small amount of disappointment, are Bud Lights and not Old Styles — is pretty remarkable. It looks like a camera trick, but apparently it's not. Wow.

Windy Citizen: 'Snapdragon' Wrigley's fastest beer vendor [video]

Today's Report by Joel Reese

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